Today is Wednesday and Oaks and I are heading out to go snowboarding at the local hill. We do this once a week as part of the Peaks Island Ski Club. It is a great program and gives us all an excuse to blow out of town and go play in the snow, away from the cobwebs and dust prevalent in our homes and bodies in January. Typically, I take three or four kids in my van, and we eat snacks and chat during the hour-long drive to Shawnee Peak.
Today though, I have just Oakley and his friend Ryan. Ryan is a great kid, and I love talking to him about all sorts of ideas on our car rides. He begins chatting, ” What do you think is more important, happiness or freedom? I am reading Brave New World by Aldous Huxley, and it is one of the themes.” I look over at Oaks who is sitting next to me, riding shotgun. He is diddling on a phone that a friend gave him that is not hooked up to a number. It only can be used when connected to wi-fi unless you have downloaded games or music. Apparently he is playing some games now. “What do you think, Oaks?”
“What?”
“About Ryan’s question?” He shrugs and grunts.
“Did you know that teenage pregnancy is decreasing, but it is still a lot more common in the South than the North.” Ryan tries again.
“Oaks, put your phone down. We are talking.”
“No, I am only doing one more thing.” His voice is beginning to escalate.
“Put it down, buddy.”
“You’re so annoying, stop!”
I see exactly where this is heading. Poor Ryan. I wait another minute or two. “Oaks, you’re being rude.” Ryan shifts uncomfortably in his seat. He doesn’t want to hear this. “Oaks. now.”
“Just give me a sec!” He yells. His fingers swipe and his eyes dart across the screen. I put my hand out, gesturing that I want the phone.
“Now, Oakley.” There is no wiggle room in my voice. Oakley’s hand darts out and he aggressively shoves my hand away. This kid is solid muscle, and it actually hurts.
“Leave me alone!” he shouts. Ryan winces.
Decision made. I take the phone from his hands. He won’t be seeing it again. One of the wonderful things about Oakley is that he knows when he has crossed a line and understands the repercussions. He slouches down in his seat and puts his chin to his chest.
Oakley will not have an iPhone. No Youtube, games, Instagram, nothing. This bike trip is the last chance I have to help him disconnect from the distraction of screens, and to reconnect to the world around him. I’ve decided to get him a “flip phone” — the Trac-Phone variety — because I envision lots of times when we may need to split up during the ride. He’ll be stronger and faster than me. He will be able to use it as a walkie-talkie, and it will be plenty to keep us connected with one another. He may be able to text and call his friends, but that is it.
So, what is the answer to Ryan’s first question? What is more important, freedom or happiness? Oaks just lost the freedom of a phone in the name of happiness
Thank you for all your comments. This story isn’t always going to be pretty, but it is going to be real.
From discipline comes freedom, someone once told me. That is the only freedom that brings happiness. Discipline to put the phone a way and engage with the people and conversation around me will bring the greater happiness humans want and need. Connection with others. Isn’t it a lesson we all learn again and again? Discipline to exercise brings that healthy high we love. Discipline to eat body nourishing food gives us brain power and thus a clear road to freedom in mind and body. Keep up the tough love, I say. I got that concept in my 30s. Ryan might be questioning it now. Oakley is just cruising in the immediate gratification mode.
I just enjoy your writing and stories of the process… 💜 louise
Good for you for standing tough. I’m trying to do this with one of my kids- different issue, similar principle. I’m impressed that you get off the island to snowboard each week!
How well you handle these challenges. It would be so much easier to cave in. I’ve seen that scenario many a time, and the final acceptance by Oaks. Nice questions from Ryan. My answer would be Freedom and Happiness. Can’t I have them both?
If I am happy, I am free.
I used to limit my kids to 1/2 an hour of screen time total on week days- that’s TV and computer. My female child hated me for it for years, but just wrote a college essay on the dangers of children and screen time.
I think you made an excellent choice. The flip phone will still give you the added safety of having 2 phones and you can talk to each other if you get separated. I would like to see it on a separate system because you will have more than one network to cover you. There will still be plenty of dead spots to challenge you guys. ♡
I love these little stories! This is also refreshing to hear, as a mom to a 7 year old who is curious about phones. Thanks for sharing!