On Being 50.

I lied. I am not 50. I am 49 and 11/12ths. I thought I could dodge the reality of it by claiming the age before it actually happened. You know, like own it. It didn’t work.

Forty-nine and 11/12ths feels a little frightening. I can remember 20 years ago easily and see 20 years into the future just as well. I want to get the most out of every day, but at the same time, I am so tired that it is hard to find the motivation to do much sometimes. I like to be comfortable, eat good food and sleep in a cozy bed. I want and need adventure but I have come to love a tidy bed and breakfast.

Forty-nine and 11/12ths is sore. It hurts in the ankles and the hips. It makes it a bit harder to defy gravity, a bit harder to keep up with my children and it makes it take a bit longer to recover from exercise. No, actually not a bit, a lot. Often, I am nursing an injury from some form of physical exercise. Oh my back, oh my feet, oh my knees… not doing too much isn’t about being a wimp anymore; it is about being prudent so that I don’t become physically incapacitated.

Forty-nine and 11/12ths is pudgy, for me anyway. It requires eating less than is fair if I want to stay fit. It means daily advertisements on my computer about the “Ketogenic diet”, “Unwanted belly fat” and “The Noom Diet Plan: A Whole New Approach”. Shut up, for God’s sake. Forty-nine and 11/12ths makes me have to work physically harder for less payback. It is watching my skin lose its elasticity and noticing that the bags under my eyes don’t go away after a good night’s rest. Forty-nine and 11/12ths feels moody.

I guess reality is setting in. It has been a fantastic winter diversion to write about this great adventure I am planning. I feel so accomplished, and I so full of braggart and swagger that I can almost imagine that I have already completed our cross-country ride! But I haven’t. The truth is, I have so much to do before I leave and then so many miles to cover and I am a bit overwhelmed and frightened.

I will be closing my private practice counseling business when I leave and hopefully embarking on a whole new career when I return. I don’t know what it will be, but I know I want to try something different because, why not? One life doesn’t need to equal one career. This is exciting, but adds to my anxiety about this adventure and all the change it brings getting ever closer.

But, here is the good news about 49 and 11/12ths. I have learned a lot. Even if I might long to opt for Netflix and the couch and a steady predictable routine, I realize that that is not enough for me. There is this world that I want to experience, and even if this life change and bike trip creates what seems like an unnecessary struggle , it is necessary for me to feel fully engaged in life.

Forty-nine and 11/12ths has also taught me that for all my moaning, being uncomfortable physically and emotionally is not a thing to be avoided. In fact, it is usually a good indicator that I am not giving up too soon. I suppose it could mean that I am injured or in danger, but more often it is just a sort of growing pain. I do still want to grow.

So, I need to get serious. Time to start training and acquiring all the necessary gear. We need sleeping bags and pads, panniers and racks, headlights and stoves, battery packs and raingear, a home schooling plan for Oakley and I am sure a whole lot more.

I guess it seems fairly obvious that this trip is really not just for Oakley. It is for both of us so that we can stay energized about life and wake ourselves up from the routine of suburban living and some of the less healthy patterns and habits have developed. I need to remember some things, and he needs to learn them.