Our family, like so many others, deals with an addiction to phones. I have been one of the last holdouts to give my children cell phones. The three oldest made it to high school before I relented, and it was really based on the fact that they would be attending school on the mainland while I would be working on Peaks. I saw them as walkie-talkies.
Our phone use started innocently enough, and they were indeed mostly used for logistical exchanges, but, of course, the rate of phone use took off exponentially. First came access to music. That was great. Then access to games, less great. Then to Instagram and Facebook, and these became real time and motivation suckers. Lastly, to the bane of my existence, came Snapchat.
I run a private practice counseling service, and I often work with teenagers and young adults. I have seen many people’s self-confidence and motivation tank at the same rate that their phone usage escalates. I feel old when I say this, but it seems true: people don’t hang out like they used to. They isolate themselves, and I have seen a big increase in social anxiety that runs parallel.
My own relationship to my phone is also fraught. I diddle on it endlessly, often checking for new texts or emails that will change my life and give purpose and meaning to all I do. I know that the answers will never come from there, but I can’t seem to help myself. In weaker moments I play Candy Crush.
Last night as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, I found myself remembering glimpses of my childhood before the social media invasion. I saw myself at age 7, squatting with my knees pressed against my ears on the cement patio behind my parents’ house. I was watching ants navigate a crack, carrying huge and unwieldy pieces of crackers over their heads that waved like sails in the air. I watched for what seemed like an hour. I built obstacles and designed races for them and cheered in a whisper for the champions.
I saw myself climbing a fence and running through an apple orchard to a half-fallen-down hollow tree that I knew was slick and polished inside from countless bottoms that had slid through the tunnel of the trunk. I remember climbing inside the tree and the feel of the smooth, silkiness of the wood under my fingers as I scooted my fanny down through the dark pithy wood.
I also saw myself in the evenings playing Ghost in the Graveyard outside at dusk. Sweaty, even the though the air was cool. Breathing hard but quietly. Heart thumping. Acutely aware of every sound in the bushes around me as I hid, and smelling the sweet green of the hedges.
I am not saying this doesn’t happen now, but I do believe that people live less fully in the moment. And I believe that this speeds up life. I am looking to slow it down. I want to be fully present and I want Oakley to be, too.
I have not given Oakley a phone yet. He is 15 and is desperate. His friends have given him broken cell phones which he tapes together and uses without data to listen to music and take pictures. He tells others that they work because he is embarrassed that he may be the last of his friends to have one. Even so, he is on it all the time. It is like the phone calls to him and he can’t resist. He fiddles with it endlessly. He doesn’t seem to be able to see or hear what is around him during these times.
I want him to leave it behind on our trip. I want him to be fully engaged in the experience and not worrying about the drama back home he is missing. I want him to lose himself in the moments. He can use my phone to take pictures and occasionally touch base with friends and family, but I don’t want him to have access to games and pop culture. This will be a battle, but to me, it is part of the point of this trip. Looking at life differently. Checking out from all that distraction. Is it still possible? Am I living in the Dark A
Please read Oakley’s Opinion in the last post.
Leah, I don’t want to get too involved in your discussion of the general pros and cons of teenagers and phones, of which there are both. I do think, however, that on the kind of trip you will be going on, it would be good for both you and Oakley to each have some sort of communication ability, be it a smart phone with limitations or just a flip phone. I think it would be a good safety measure, in case of an accident or in case y’all are separated for some reason. As a parent, I know that would ease my mind a little. Just my opinion….
What if you got him a nice camera or some other road appropriate gadget?
Aren’t there limited plans available; so that there would be some control over time spent?
A flip phone and some music playing device sounds like a good idea. I agree with your assessment on phones. They are presently rotting the brains of my household and I dream of freeing us of this addiction.
Not being a parent, I’m not qualified to weigh in on the cell phone issue (although if I felt qualified, I would vote to give him the phone right before the trip starts, since he will be a high school freshman at that point and that seems to be your criterion).
However, I feel well qualified to comment on dog related issues, which you address in a different post, and I can reassure you with confidence that your dear dog will not forget you for one moment while you are gone; she will carry you in her canine heart with no need for FaceTime, and she will be overjoyed to see you when you come home.
Yes, phones rot all the brains of everyone. But there’s no going back to when we were kids without them. I think it’s heroic enough that you are getting him to go with you on this epic trip, giving him a phone with limitations is secondary. If he’s already finding ways around your denials, what’s the diff?
Would activating one of the phones he has, be beneficial for safety reasons during the trip? I hope that one of you would carry one for safety. Would he be able to comply to regulations during the trip (like limited amounts of time and giving it to you or putting it away during the evening…)? Good luck making your decision.
If something happens to you while on our he trip (May it not happen) Oak could use his phone to call for help.
It’s kinda like the parent who doesn’t wear a bike helmet but makes the kids wear one. What? You think you are never going to be the one that might get hurt?
My vote: give him a phone and let him carry it for the safety reasons cited, but set in advance the rules of engagement, i.e. amount of time per day or per week, and maybe even limits on when in the day, that he can use it for games, communication, music, etc, and have him set the timer whenever he’s using it to keep track (or you set it) to hopefully minimize argument/debate. And set forth the consequences for overuse — every minute over is subtracted from the following day, perhaps, or any overage one day means loss of privilege the next day — anything that establishes a way to do it that is not constantly debated but meets your desire to limit phone time and his desire for connection/escape. I think you both might like a half hour at the end of the day to talk with someone other than each other or to veg with a game. But whatever you decide, it’s going to be fine — this is not a right/wrong kind of choice, just a what works best for you decision
p.s. It def rots your brains, and I am living proof.
I look forward to reading about your adventure, recalling how we met you at the beach long ago before Oakley was born.
Keeping the phones charged will be an engineering feat and will stress the value of rationing energy and managing resources. The GPS, location tracker, and ability to keep you connected with each other and emergency services are also things I would want to have if it were me. If you spend time in homes and hotels where the charging is easy maybe a time limit will be a good idea.
Since the issue is on the table maybe you guys could negotiate phone protocol IF you allow him to bring it. You can always mail it home if Oakley fails to follow your guidelines.
If you’re planning to camp sometimes to save money and/or won’t always be staying somewhere with electrical outlets, a portable charger like will make your life easier and is worth your consideration (and it’s not that expensive – certainly less than a motel room):
https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B01A6L85CC/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o07__o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I worked in public safety communications for 20 years and my husband still does. I have seen cell phones save lives. If there is an emergency you will be grateful that you both have communication. The cell phone is a tool. I think you should each carry a phone on different systems. This will give you maximum coverage in patchy areas. There will still be dead spots. Hopefully your travels are incident free but its always best to be prepared.
Oakley, you’re the FIRST 15 year old not to have a phone, think how unique that makes you!
Hi
Compromise
For safety: verizon has 30 per month plan for unlimited phone and text.
I’ve been bike touring and camping since I was 18 and the last large trip I took was the 1st time where I had a smart phone! It felt like a lot changed… like fewer paper maps! But on the bright side, gps still works in airplane mode when you have little service and low battery. You can also find good bail out options for shelter and fun in bad weather. Ultimately though, most of the time you’re just pedaling all day and not using your phone. With enough mileage and hills, you’ll pedal, eat, sleep, talk to strangers, and the phones won’t even matter!